101 Sexual Inadequacies

Corey Ginsberg

1. I don’t pretend to want to experiment.
2. I don’t pretend to be curious about that pose Dr. Sue featured with the tiny mannequins
whose wooden faces were blank like ours.
3. I don’t pretend to like finger, let alone fist.
4. I don’t pretend to know
how to be attractive.
5. I don’t masturbate unless I have a migraine.
6. I set the phone to vibrate and take it out of my pocket.
7. I fake every orgasm.
8. My last pap smear ten years ago tore me to tears.
9. Doctors have a language for what I’ve got.
10. Doctors speak in unfortunate, uniform tongues.
11. My tongue would rather not be mouthed.
12. Not everything wants to be penetrated.
13. The only thing on me that’s too small is my vagina.
14. I hate the word vagina.
15. What I’ve got is impenetrable.
16. I don’t always bleed.
17. I don’t want to do it
in the shower, in the morning or in the ass.
18. I don’t want to do it
alone, in bed with you.
19. You and your big, brutal mouth.
20. It always hurts.
21. Nobody believes me when I tell them I’m asexual.
22. Nobody understands why labels make everything tighter.
23. It’s not about the pain.
24. I imagine freely.
25. Imagining a different capacity.
26. Imagining your penis as a stand-alone high rise on a deserted beach.
27. Imagining your penis as french toast or pasta or whatever
isn’t your penis.
28. Imagining you without a penis. A perfect Ken.
29. Didn’t we just do it last week?
30. What if this unwanted thing culminates into an unwanted first trimester?
31. I wear socks to bed.
32. I hate when you undress
my feet.
33. Tequila doesn’t help.
34. I’d rather not be receiving or giving.
35. I’d rather not see myself
through your hovering slant.
36. I’d rather squander my mental inheritance of arousal than blow it
on reality investments.
37. The musky smell of what’s inside.
38. Swallowing only solves the immediate problem.
39. My gag reflex knows better.
40. My definition of foreplay has more to do with Braille than misplaced hand gestures.
41. My definition of love crossed sex out in draft three.
42. My definition of Us is more like a rough character sketch than a scene.
43. My definition of intimacy is more like a storm cloud than a storm.
44. Kinky is the least kinky word.
45. Innuendo shouldn’t make me laugh.
46. I’ve never put a condom on a banana without blushing.
47. Not everything is funny.
48. Asexuality doesn’t have a negative connotation.
49. Sex takes me closer to emptiness than I ever feared possible.
50. I love it when you cum and go.
51. I love the word crotch, but want nothing to do with exploratory missions.
52. I love when you roll over and I’m on my side
of the bed, not nearly stranded.
53. I shave above my knees every other Thursday.
54. I fantasize about spooning as an end, not a means.
55. I fantasize about being a steel wall.
56. Mannequins smile, too.
57. Maybe I’ve failed
too many tabloid quizzes to put stock in my sexual learning curve.
58. Maybe you should leave me dressed
for once.
59. Maybe you should leave me
tucked beneath the five-hundred count.
60. Maybe you should leave
the lights off a few thrusts longer.
61. Maybe mating is for less awkward animals.
62. I can’t juggle, either.
63. I conjugate verbs in French while I should be petting or purring or pretending.
64. I can’t remember what I rehearsed and now I have performance anxiety.
65. I can’t do better than this.
66. There’s so much distance in so few inches.
67. My hymen doesn’t respond
well to war of attrition.
68. I don’t respond well to aggressive.
69. You don’t respond well to passive aggressive.
70. I try not to talk about it
with uttered words.
71. I try not to let your penis megaphone a soliloquy.
72. I’m not washing the sheets tomorrow.
73. Communication isn’t enough.
74. KY isn’t enough.
75. I’ve had enough and I’m no more evolved
than a high school virgin.
76. Don’t tell me to relax.
77. Don’t tell me I’m pretty when we both know I’m not.
78. Don’t tell me you can fix the problem down there.
79. The problem down there isn’t clogged drains or bad pipes.
80. The problem down there isn’t a problem up here in my brainface.
81. I blame the plumber and the sink.
82. Being asexual is like being an atheist.
83. I can only care so much about woodpeckers and their hollow compulsions.
84. I prefer parallel lines to intersecting angles.
85. Street signs only make sense in hindsight of destination.
86. I have a horrible sense of direction and can’t read a map.
87. Please don’t scuba dive then expect to mountain climb.
88. Please don’t call
them panties.
89. Please don’t say forever.
90. My friends want me to try
yoga or other intimate, uncomfortable poses.
91. My friends insist it isn’t only about The Sex.
92. My friends assure me there are other ways
to be happy.
93. My friends know a lot about things I don’t want
to know a lot about.
94. I can be the nut and shell without seeking nutcracker.
95. I can be happy
staring at a blank canvas.
96. It’s embarrassing to admit
my categorical imperative.
97. It’s embarrassing to lack the capacity
for the wanting of this sort of why.
98. Because yes is easier than no.
99. Because you make me
feel silly refusing, again and again.
100. Because you make me feel bad
every time I reroute my eyes.
101. Because you make me feel.

Corey Ginsberg’s work has appeared in such publications as Third Coast, The Cream City Review, The Nashville Review, The Los Angeles Review, and Redux, among others. Corey currently lives in Miami and works as a freelance writer

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